Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just invented taco cereal.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
