Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
