I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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