WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
