watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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