is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
