My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
