i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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