Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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