Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
