dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
