if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
