I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
