Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
