I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
