your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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