On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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