we're chasing vodka with high fives
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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