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he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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