Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
