Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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