Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
