weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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