happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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