I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
