Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
