Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
