that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I think I sprained my soul last night
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
