i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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