I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
