I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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