Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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