Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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