Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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