went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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