she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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