we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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