I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
