I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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