Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
