Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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