I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
