Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
