Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
