peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
