i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
