Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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