woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
