I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
