Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It's official drugs can't kill me
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
