i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
