im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
