looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
