If that was your dad, he is hot
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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